Our Survey Says....

boobs - fake or real? guys - which would you prefer? girls - which would you prefer yours to be? answers in the comments please :)

Fact:

donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes!

Guitar Top Of The Costs

One of the world's most expensive guitars has riffed its way to the UK.
Made of rare wood and inlaid with precious stones, the PRS Dragon costs around £33,000.

It has been crafted from a chunk of rare Brazilian mahogany in a factory in the US and is considered more art than axe.
Only 70 of the guitars are to be built worldwide - and only three will be sold to the UK.
The hefty price tag comes from the hundreds of hours spent building the instrument and the mother-of-pearl, silver and gold used in the dragon design.
But the Dragon is not the most valuable guitar in the world.
That record is held by Eric Clapton's former Fender strat, nicknamed Blackie.
It sold at auction in New York earlier this year for around £530,000.

Top 10 Names For The Arse

1) ass
2) bum
3) rear
4) buns
5) can
6) booty
7) arse
8) butt
9) seat
10) bottom

Hooray For Boobies!

as we havnt had a top ten for a few days... here's a 2nd one! top 10 names for boobs

1) tits
2) boobs
3) breasts
4) naughty pillows
5) jugs
6) fun bags
7) hoo hoos (for "dude where's my car?" fans)
8) knockers
9) bristols (cockney rhyming slang!)
10) rack

Top 10 Names For The Penis

1) penis
2) dick
3) cock
4) member
5) todger
6) pork sword (!)
7) willy
8) john thomas
9) meat and two veg
10) pink truncheon

Police Extract Stolen Mobile From Woman's Posterior

Just what is it about Romanian women and mobes mobile phones? Back in April, we reported on the sticky case of 34-year-old Ruxandra Gardian who attempted to make good her escape with a phone concealed in her vagina.

Unfortunately for her, quick-thinking cops simply rang the thing and the game was up. We suggested at the time that perhaps turning it off was a good plan, but as several readers pointed out, that would have then required the PIN to reactivate the phone.

Fair enough, put it on vibrate then. Forget it, suggested several female readers, for obvious reasons.

So, what's the solution? We honestly don't know, but we do know that sticking a (k)nicked mobile where the sun really doesn't shine is not it. And here's why:

Petronela Brandus, 24, has become the latest "body cavity phone blagger" to have her collar felt after police stopped the suspected thief as she got off a bus in Iasi. Passengers had apparently seen the 24-year-old lift the device, but cops could find no trace of it.

In the time-honoured fashion, they then rang the number and heard the tell-tale sound of internal phone action. In this case, however, Brandus had not gone for the relatively-simple vaginal option, but rather the less convenient back passage route.

It did her no good. Back at the station, a strip search quickly retrieved the offending item. Officer Madalin Taranu told local daily 7 Plus: "We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one."

One question remains: what then happened to the phone? In contrast to the case of Ruxandra Gardian - and indeed that of the Jamaican fellow mobile-tamponer who started this intimate criminal trend - its owner subsequently accepted it back.

Officer Taranu explained: "The station doctor extracted the phone and we sprayed it with disinfectant." We should hope so too. ®

Me! On TV!

well, almost! :) new comedy showing on 30th september on channel 4 called spoons - check it out if you can looks quite amusing :)

NZ finds Black Cocks hard to swallow!

It was a bloody silly idea in the first place, but New Zealand's badminton world may finally have to concede that calling the national team the "Black Cocks" really is a bit too strong, the New Zealand Herald reports.

Badminton New Zealand adopted the name a year ago as "a gimmicky label to attract sponsors and fans". It worked to a degree, because the organisation was quickly innundated with cash offers from companies such as - you guessed it - condom manufacturers.

Furthermore, Badminton NZ prez Nigel Skelt confirmed: "At the recent New Zealand Open, crowds were yelling out 'c'mon the Black Cocks'. Whether the team actually adopt the name officially, they're already known as the Black Cocks."

That's as may be, but the International Badminton Federation (IBF) has decided not to take the Black Cocks lying down. Skelt admitted: "They don't want to see the game lose its composure for the want of a gimmicky name. If you're over in China and you get introduced as the Black Cocks, it raises some issues."

Ah yes, the sticky "we'd rather not entertain Black Cocks in the People's Republic of China" problem. Badminton NZ will now wait for feedback from its 27 regional associations at its November AGM before deciding on whether or not to let the Black Cocks stand.

Colin Farrell

Top 10 Bands Not From UK Or America

1) savage garden
2) HIM
3) rammstein
4) the rasmus
5) arcade fire
6) kraftwerk
7) air
8) daft punk
9) the vines
10) the hives

Have You Got The Horn?

while staying with the delightful fork this week, i got the horn! no no not in that way you filthy minded bloggers! twas a pot noodle horn - found a winning card in my pot noodle! jon got mightily pissed off as he has been trying to win one for months, then proceeded to stamp his foot in a very childish manner untill i gave him the card! ah well hes happy now :)

Brad Pitt

Cannabis Grannie Raided

A cannabis-dealing grandmother has had her home raided by police for a third time.
Patricia Tabram hit the headlines earlier this year when she admitted possessing cannabis with intent to supply from her home in Northumberland.

The 66-year-old cooked up treats laced with the drug for neighbours and friends in East Lea, in Humshaugh, after being introduced to it in 2004.
She said she was "medicating" her friends who were sick or in pain because conventional NHS medicines did not work and left side-effects.
But after being raided by police twice last year, Mrs Tabram was warned she faced jail if she committed another offence.
She remained defiant after the latest incident.
"I realise I am going to go to prison," she said.
"Emmeline Pankhurst had to go to prison three times before women got the vote so I am not going to be worried about it.
"I have been thinking about things over the weekend and if the police charge me with anything except for 'my own use', then I am going to plead not guilty and go to trial."
She added: "I'm just an old, grey, tubby grandma and I'm going to fight this."
A Northumbria Police spokeswoman said: "As a result of information received, we executed a warrant at an address in the Hexham area on the morning of Friday September 16.
"A 66-year-old Hexham woman was arrested on suspicion of cultivating cannabis and bailed pending further inquiries."

Normal Service.......

....is resumed temporarily! im back at work for the day before going back oop north to visit the fork again. for another week! im such a glutton for punishment :) nah gotta be honest - it was loads of fun!

Top 10 Uses For Junk Mail

1)Write RETURN TO SENDER on every piece and mail it back for free.
2)Bonfire.
3)Recycle.
4)Cut apart each and every letter, then make a threatening letter out of them and send it back to the company!
5)Make illegal copies and send it to the mafia!
6)Glue them together and then wax them shut to make a coaster.
7)Read it to improve your vocabulary.
8)Sneak up to your competitors rubbish tip at night, and fill it with all your company's junk mail!
9)Use it in a movie as a prop.
10)Make it into paper airplanes.

More Top 10 Sexual Positions!

1) what's new pussycat?
2) startled oyster
3) the nose job
4) milking the cow
5) stapling the apron
6) strumming the g string
7) reversed roundhouse rut
8) treasure hunt
9) lapsed alcoholic
10)the dyspeptic deep sea diver

Posh Nosh

Upmarket sausages are helping to power a sizzling sales boom for the humble banger, according to a new report.
This year Britons will eat around 189,000 tonnes of sausages - a 17% increase on 2000.

Sales are forecast to hit £530m by the end of 2005, up 23% in just five years, according to market analysts Mintel.
The banger's popularity is partly due to the launch of more up-market varieties such as duck and orange or red Thai and lemongrass, said the report.
David Bird, consumer analyst at Mintel, said British bangers were benefiting from the image makeover.
He said: "Manufacturers today are reinventing sausages as posh nosh with quality-led production, after the association with mechanically recovered meat and cheap fillers tarnished the perception of this humble British staple."
Sausages have even made it on to the menus of upmarket London restaurants such as The Ivy.
Two in five adults always try to buy British sausages and bacon where possible.

Ioan Gruffudd

Top 10 Numbers

1) 9
2) 7
3) 108
4) 1111
5) 99
6) 69
7) 38
8) 903
9) 306
10) 1000

Top 10 Sexual Positions

1) 69
2) Missionary
3) Doggy style
4) Spooning
5) Cowgirl
6) Wheelbarrow
7) Standing
8) Reverse cowgirl
9) Oral
10) Bench Dip

Top 10 Green Day Songs

1) Brain Stew
2) Basket Case
3) Hitching A Ride
4) Poprocks And Coke
5) Redundant
6) When I Come Around
7) Minority
8) Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
9) Warning
10) Jesus Of Suburbia

On The Move!

right y'all - im off to sunny chester! staying with jon/a fork. so will be posting from there for a while! see ya and take care blog kisses and hugs xoxoxo

Pointless Celebs

THE 'POINTLESS' BECKHAMS
Victoria Beckham has been voted the nation's most pointless celebrity.
The former Spice Girl topped a poll of viewers who were left asking: "What is she for?"

In a further blow for the Beckham brand, husband David came second.
The survey was for Channel 4 show The Death of Celebrity, presented by former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan.
The programme wages war on celebrities who are famous despite having little or no talent.
Jordan is at number three, followed by Abi Titmuss.
Prime Minister Tony Blair comes in at number five.
Jade Goody is at number six, having forged a career and made millions from appearing on Big Brother.
At No 9, the top 10 list includes everyone who has ever appeared on the reality show.
The Royal Family are also deemed pointless celebrities, making it to number seven.
Glamour girl Jodie Marsh is at number eight, while David Beckham's former PA Rebecca Loos - now milking her fame after claiming to have bedded the England captain - - brings up the rear at number 10.
10 Most Pointless Celebrities:
1 Victoria Beckham2 David Beckham3 Jordan4 Abi Titmuss5 Tony Blair6 Jade Goody7 The Royal Family8 Jodie Marsh9 Anyone from Big Brother10 Rebecca Loos

Hey Jude!

Top 10 From The Top 40

1) james blunt - beautiful
2) gorillaz - dare
3) oasis - the importance of being idle
4) kt tunstall - suddenly i see
5) daniel powter - bad day
6) my chemical romance - ghost of you
7) goldfrapp - ooh la la
8) babyshambles - fuck forever
9) funeral for a friend - monsters
10) bodyrockers - i like the way

Silly Puns

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed

Kevins - Don't Blame Them!

At last scientists have found out what turns teenagers into grunting, insensitive Kevins.
According to the Institute of Child Health in London it is changes in the brain at puberty.

Researchers say it hampers youngsters' ability to spot changes in people's expressions.
It means they do not always understand when other people are upset - their mums and dads in particular.
This could help to explain why relationships between teenagers and their parents are often so fraught.
Professor David Skuse said: "Teenagers really do get dumber in their social intelligence about the time of puberty.
"This probably reflects the wiring of the brain that occurs due to genetic and hormonal changes during this period of development."
Prof Skuse tested the ability of 600 children aged six to 17 to read diffrerent facial expressions.
These were happiness, sadness, disgust, anger, fear and surprise.
Surprise, surprise, boys came out worst.
The good news for parents is that by the age of 17 most teenagers' brains are functioning normally again. Well, almost.

Seven

ive been tagged by november rain to do this, so here goes!

7 things i plan to do before i die

1) watch a live footbal match (premiership)
2) finish my spanish 'a' level
3) visit ireland
4) see the foo fighters play live
5) see green day play live
6) see my chemical romance play live
7) learn to speak russian

7 things i can do

1) speak french
2) speak german
3) speak spanish
4) touch my nose with my tongue
5) make home-made lasagne
6) get drunk easily :)
7) identify the title of many songs within 2 seconds of listening to the intro

7 things i cant do

1) swim
2) say no to a drink
3) save money!
4) speak russian
5) play guitar
6) drink whisky
7) stop slagging people off!

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex

1) a cute arse
2) expressive eyes
3) dark hair
4) someone who is in touch with their feminine side
5) similar personality
6) cheekiness
7) someone who makes me laugh

7 things i say most often

1) ok
2) god
3) indeed
4) right
5) cheeky sod!
6) sorry
7) shut up!

7 celebrity crushes

1) jake gylenhaal
2) johnny depp
3) orlando bloom
4) hugh jackman
5) hugh grant
6) sean william scott
7) david tennant

7 people i want to do this

anyone who wants to have a go!

Orlando

Top 10 Fruits

1) pineapple
2) watermelon
3) apples
4) pears
5) papaya
6) peaches
7) cherries
8) grapes
9) plums
10) kiwi

Tesco Mobile Porn

UK supermarket chain Tesco has apologised to a 14-year-old boy after returning his repaired mobile phone packed with hard-core porn, UK tabloid the Sun reports.
Callum George's new Sagem clapped out after just two weeks, prompting the lad to return it for repair. It duly found its way back to him in the post, complete with letter "explaining a faulty circuit had been replaced", as Callum's mum Cathy put it to the paper.

A shocked Cathy continues: "But there were voicemail messages and numbers that Callum did not recognise. Then he found the pictures and video clips."
The pics and vids in question were of couples having sex and, unsurprisingly, Callum's dad Allen was reported as "fuming". The boy's parents called in the police who referred them to Tradings Standards.
The Tesco store responsible for the outrage - in Newport, South Wales - has, as well as issuing the apology, confirmed that the repair centre in question has started an investigation

like he minded really!

Here's Johnny!

Top 10 Movies

1) moulin rouge
2) donnie darko
3) sleepy hollow
4) seven
5) four weddings and a funeral
6) batman begins
7) bridget jones's diary
8) eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
9) the grudge
10) ten things i hate about you

Questions

thanks to she of the handbag for this slice of randomness.......

1) how many handbags do you own?

only about 6 now. i had to throw some out when i moved! oooh the pain.......

2) what's your favourite childhood toy?

i had a completely mad obsession with thomas the tank engine...... my bedroom contained thomas wallpaper, lampshade, curtains nd carpet! so my favourite toy was my actual thomas the tank engine train complete with its own railway track!

3) what's the most inexplicable thing youve done when drunk?

falling asleep without realising afterwards that i've been asleep!

4) do you believe in ghosts?

no. but i am scared of them!

5) red or white wine?

hmmmm.....guess it would have to be white, due to the wonderful jacob's creek chardonnay. trashed after about 4 glasses...... result!

anyone wanting random questions of their own? you know the drill......

Choc Horror!

German saboteurs came up with several cunning plans to cause mayhem during the Second World War - including bars of exploding chocolate.

The Nazis also designed bombs to be disguised as tins of English plums, throat pastilles and shaving brushes.
According to files made public for the first time, they even planned to stuff dead rats with explosives.
The "slab of chocolate" hand grenade is illustrated in the documents released to the National Archives in Kew, west London, together with an explanation of how it would blow up seconds after the unwitting Brit snapped off a piece.
"The bomb is made of steel with a thin covering of real chocolate," the note says.
"When the piece of chocolate at the end is broken off the canvas shown is pulled, and after a delay of seven seconds the bomb explodes."
A three man team were captured after they landed on the south west coast of Ireland in July 1940 and interned by the Irish authorities in Dublin's Mountjoy jail.
They were carrying three or four metal boxes of explosives, including a number of tins labelled "Prepared French Peas" containing small slabs of nitro-cellulose.
An informer who was held with them in prison told the authorities that they had been heading for England with a "definite plan" - he thought to "blow up Buckingham Palace".
MI5, who were in close contact with the Irish authorities, were sceptical.
"This seems a little fantastic, when it is known that the explosive materials in their possession were of the most primitive kind," one report noted.

Top 10 Ice Cream Flavours

1) strawberry
2) vanilla
3) neapolitan
4) pistachio
5) lemon meringue
6) raspberry ripple
7) toffee
8) coconut
9) chocolate
10) mint

Mmmmmm....

Wankers!

Yeehaw – howdy Pardners! LoveHoney.co.uk has come up with the Stroke 29 Shoot Out Survey, to compile a study of current trends in one-handed hoedowns across the UK, whilst attempting to compile the first ever Average Strokes To Cum (ASTC) Index. And the survey needs YOUR help…

The survey involves using Stroke 29: a male masturbation cream that heats up from repetitive stroking. The texture supposedly transforms at around the twenty-ninth stroke to simulate the sensation of aroused human tissue. The makers of Stroke 29 claim it lasts longer than the user, and the survey aims to test this theory, whilst staging a historic investigation into the oldest form of solo male entertainment in the world.
Participants are promised a great hand-job and free lube for their efforts, whilst contributing to a vital sex study, simply by liquidising their assets via a five knuckle shuffle. By signing up with the online form participants will register to receive their free sample of Stroke 29 cream. Once they receive the sachet, they can then carry out the important anonymous research for this prestigious study. So are you waiting for? May the Stroke be with you…

For the love of all that's Holy. Seasoned wankers can participate in this ground-breaking strokefest right here. But please - wait until you get home. ®

Top 10 Animals

1) cats
2) dogs
3) koala bears
4) dolphins
5) ferrets
6) tigers
7) monkeys
8) elephants
9) lions
10) rabbits

The Strangest Compliment

" i love your eyebrows. i love the way they sort of just sit above your eyes",

anyone else had strange compliments? please share!

Top 10 Alcoholic Drinks

1) strongbow cider
2) vodka and red bull
3) smirnoff ice red ( in pints mmmm!)
4) rose
5) chardonnay
6) pineapple bacardi breezer
7) wkd irn bru
8) screaming orgasm ( yes it is a drink!)
9) baileys
10) archers vea (raspberry flavour)

Problems Sorted!

The Test

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.

>My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
>girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very
>much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
>
>My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
>skirts
>and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got
>many a pleasant view of her underwear.
>
>It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
>One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
>invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
>was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she
>couldn't
>overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
>
>She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
>married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
>couldn't say a word.
>
>She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead
>with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I
>watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her
>panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
>
>I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
>door.
>I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards
>my
>car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
>
>With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
>have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
>daughter. Welcome to the family.


"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Firestarter!

i nearly set fire to the microwave at work! i was heating something up, remembered to take the wrapper off, then put the food in the microwave on top of the wrapper! looking through the door of the microwave a few moments later, i noticed there were flames in there. oops!!!

Top 10 TV Shows

1) the simpsons
2) friends
3) wondershowzen
4) 24
5) will and grace
6) max and paddy's road to nowhere
7) little britain
8) casanova
9) my family
10) eastenders